Post by spiritofexodus on Jan 14, 2009 22:45:19 GMT -5
UOSLR Senior Writer
Galo Pesantes
Newark, New Jersey: New Jersey has been filled with many good things over the course of it's existence. Actually I'm lying it really hasn't. From jagger bombing guidos on the shore line to the park playgrounds where you might find Christian Martinez dropping bombs from downtown on Al Harrington it isn't hard to see why people call New Jersey "America's Armpit." However with all the sluts, shit bags, faggot governors and miles and miles of toll booth's it isn't hard to notice the most grotesque attribute that New Jersey has to boast, the New Jersey Nets. In an effort to clean up the state's sterling shit image acting Governor Joel Geriak has asked Nets owner's to move the team out of the state. "Honestly I would rather watch a Nancy Pelosi sex tape then watch a Nets game" Geriak was quoted to say in this morning's Newark Herald. With the Nets owner Joey "The Bull" DiNunzio with his head so far buried in allegations of extortion, money laundering, drugs, male prostitution and having seizures due to staying up and playing online poker all night he has decided to sell the team to Porky Baconham, a mysterious guy who likes Skoal, losing money in online poker and banging hot chicks on a regular basis (yeah right). However the transaction was the first in UOSLR history as DiNunzio actually paid Baconham to take the team.
Baconham's first order of business was to move the team out of New Jersey. Due to the fact that he didn't want to destroy another state's image he decided to move the team to the most godless place on the planet. Worse than Iraq......worse than Darfur and more importantly worse then New Jersey..........Buffalo. The Nets were leaving the booming mob scene, abundance of STD-laden hookers and awful drivers for the land of Buffalo Wings, fatter uglier hookers, dry personalities and shit tons of snow. Yes, New Jersey is like the Garden of Eden compared to this Lake Erie hell hole. Baconham decided to piss off the UOSLR head office by asking the Nets to be renamed to the Braves, the old Buffalo ABA name. However it was more due to the fact that UOSLR Commish Ducky thinks that the Atlanta Braves are a bunch of fags and he just wanted to piss him off a little more.
What can we expect from this franchise now nestled in the heart of hell? How badly will Martinez rip this article and call me a fag? How gay is the state of New Jersey? How fat is the fattest chick that Pig has gotten with in Buffalo? Who cares, the New Jersey Nets are now the Buffalo Braves. UOSLR can blow me if they have a problem with it.
Fuck you very much,
Galo Pesantes
Galo Pesantes
Newark, New Jersey: New Jersey has been filled with many good things over the course of it's existence. Actually I'm lying it really hasn't. From jagger bombing guidos on the shore line to the park playgrounds where you might find Christian Martinez dropping bombs from downtown on Al Harrington it isn't hard to see why people call New Jersey "America's Armpit." However with all the sluts, shit bags, faggot governors and miles and miles of toll booth's it isn't hard to notice the most grotesque attribute that New Jersey has to boast, the New Jersey Nets. In an effort to clean up the state's sterling shit image acting Governor Joel Geriak has asked Nets owner's to move the team out of the state. "Honestly I would rather watch a Nancy Pelosi sex tape then watch a Nets game" Geriak was quoted to say in this morning's Newark Herald. With the Nets owner Joey "The Bull" DiNunzio with his head so far buried in allegations of extortion, money laundering, drugs, male prostitution and having seizures due to staying up and playing online poker all night he has decided to sell the team to Porky Baconham, a mysterious guy who likes Skoal, losing money in online poker and banging hot chicks on a regular basis (yeah right). However the transaction was the first in UOSLR history as DiNunzio actually paid Baconham to take the team.
Baconham's first order of business was to move the team out of New Jersey. Due to the fact that he didn't want to destroy another state's image he decided to move the team to the most godless place on the planet. Worse than Iraq......worse than Darfur and more importantly worse then New Jersey..........Buffalo. The Nets were leaving the booming mob scene, abundance of STD-laden hookers and awful drivers for the land of Buffalo Wings, fatter uglier hookers, dry personalities and shit tons of snow. Yes, New Jersey is like the Garden of Eden compared to this Lake Erie hell hole. Baconham decided to piss off the UOSLR head office by asking the Nets to be renamed to the Braves, the old Buffalo ABA name. However it was more due to the fact that UOSLR Commish Ducky thinks that the Atlanta Braves are a bunch of fags and he just wanted to piss him off a little more.
What can we expect from this franchise now nestled in the heart of hell? How badly will Martinez rip this article and call me a fag? How gay is the state of New Jersey? How fat is the fattest chick that Pig has gotten with in Buffalo? Who cares, the New Jersey Nets are now the Buffalo Braves. UOSLR can blow me if they have a problem with it.
Fuck you very much,
Galo Pesantes
